I am really freaked out by health services, as one after another rejects me and I am reminded over and over again how the jury found the man who raped me not guilty. And people wonder why I write songs like Human Sewage and have severe suicidality.
A few months ago I had a lump come up on my neck which I believed was a skin cancer – it is in my family. I had serious issues with seeing a doctor at that time and refused to see mine after I felt extremely let down by him. It was a harrowing experience trying to find a new doctor as the PHO funding requirements have become another barrier to me accessing health care. When I finally saw a locum at Featherston medical centre I was severely stressed and had to wait outside due to severe ticking when in the reception area. The ‘blister’ was cut out and the doctor assured me it wasn’t anything to worry about – which tests revealed it was a cancer. At the time I asked her about a second mark on my forehead that I had noticed changes and was worried about, she said it was nothing and referred to it as a raspberry mark I knew she was wrong but I didn’t argue (I couldn’t argue I was so fragile mentally).
Since that time the mark has changed again and deteriorated it is bleeding all the time, is painful and itchy. The same feeling I got with the cancer on my neck. I am worried about it to the point of distraction but after more than six approaches to health services to get the cancer looked at and cut out I am no closer to getting services. I am so worried I can’t sleep – and I can’t tell my friends.
My problem is I have just been turned down by ACC and mental health yet again for services because they refuse to provide a safe environment and ACC just refuse to provide anything about another assessment which I am now unable to attend due to a morbid/phobic fear of them.
I have been rejected from every medical centre in the Wairarapa, and have a story to go with each one that is too long to tell here – all were related to me being unable to get health services and being suicidal. After I got the cancer on my neck cut out I later saw the nurse to get the stitches out where I tried to talk about my desperate mental health needs, as I did my ticking increased and I started to cry and become upset. As a result she said we should stop the discussion as it was too upsetting for me and she would let me out the back door so I didn’t have to go through reception. I didn’t know what to say so I left.
When this mark on my forehead changed again and started to hurt I phoned Featherston Medical Centre and talked to the nurse, told her I was freaking out and couldn’t make myself drive to Featherston. I begged her to help me access another doctor or Masterton hospital, she got angry with me and I hung up.
Later that day I had an appointment with WINZ for a food grant and some wood, because my boarder had not worked for six weeks while the cows were dry and he didn’t have a contract so they wouldn’t pay him. My WINZ case manager Tina is an awesome lady and I confide in her, I let it slip about how worried I was about the cancer on my forehead and how I had just been rejected yet again by ACC and mental health. She understands my phobias and fears and suggested I see Whaiora as they had nurses. I tried twice to see them but ended up having a panic attack the first time as I was told there were no nurses available, then phoned back by Whaiora after I contacted Tina saying I couldn’t get their help and told yet again they couldn’t provide services.
I then phoned the Martinborough Medical Centre trying to see a doctor there, I told the office manager my story (which is extremely upsetting every time I do) and she told me there was no way I would see a doctor there, they were too busy with Martinborough people. I then phoned Masterton Hospital and talked to someone there about my phobias and not being able to see a doctor for various reasons. Again I was insulted, abused and refused access to a health professional.
I was told by Masterton Hospital to phone Healthline with my concerns, which I did, though I didn’t know what they intended to do. The nurse was terrible, again the conversation ended with me being insulted and abused, I hung up. It was like being hit in the face with a softball bat every time I was rejected – I was exhausted after the psychological beating.
So I am sitting here freaking out, unable to think of much else except trying to accommodate my phobia and get this fucking cancer cut out of my forehead. I have shit to do!
Am supposed to see Billy and Rosie today so will talk to them about taking me to Wellington Hospital and seeing if they can get me some services. Fuck I hate this disorder – they reject me over and over again then wonder why I can’t access health services for physical issues.