Monthly Archives: August 2013

Excerpt frm book by Bessel van der Kolk on Traumatic Stress

Over the years I have collected a lot of information, particularly when I was studying health and rehabilitation at Massey University a few years ago.

It was there I discovered Bessel van der Kolk – a leading authority on traumatic stress disorders, who described Complex PTSD and everything I had been going through emotionally, behaviourally and physically after being raped and then neglected (what thousands of people go through).

This is an excerpt from the book “Traumatic Stress: The effects of overwhelming experience on mind, body and society” van der Kolk, McFarlane,& Weisaeth, editors.  You will recognise what those revolting ignorant neo-liberal bigots in government, media and society are doing to the weakest and most vulnerable people.  Paula Bennett at the top of the list, bringing in more and more punishments for child abusers while ignoring all the evidence that traumatised abuse victims are suffering and rotting on welfare.  With Sean Plunket on the attack over talkback radio.


Reason and objectivity are not the primary determinants of society’s reactions to traumatized people.  Rather, as noted earlier, society’s reactions seem to be primarily conservative impulses in the service of maintaining the beliefs that the world is fundamentally just, that people can be in charge of their lives, and that bad things only happen to people who deserve them.

Bearers of bad tidings are generally considered dangerous; thus, societies tend to be suspicious that victims will contaminate the social fabric, undermine self-reliance, consume social resources and live off the strong.  The weak are a liability and after an initial period of compassion, are vulnerable to be singled out as parasites and carriers of social malaise.

Society can only make a commitment to victims if it accepts these two ideas: (1) that victims are not responsible for the fact that they were traumatized; and (2) that if victims are not helped to deal with the memories of their trauma, they will become violent and anxious people, unreliable and easily distracted workers, inattentive parents, and/or people who use drugs and alcohol to help them cope with unbearable feelings.


I would also point out that eating disorders, suicide, self-harming, attachment disorders, phobias and compulsions are also dysfunctional coping mechanisms used by traumatised people.










Horrified at neo-liberal media response to Inside NZ – Mind The Gap doco

Our country will never recover from the past 30 years of failed, immoral neo-liberal reforms if we don’t discuss it openly in our mainstream media.  People are suffering, dying and committing suicide every day in this country because of these flawed political ideologies – which are based in no scientific fact – just the deluded minds of the rich and powerful.

I am so disappointed I thought a poem was in order – one I wrote after the last election.


I’m a completely worthless waste of air
You chose a government that’s cruel not fair
Every National voter should kill me quick
Living life so degraded is sick

My story’s rejected by those on show
I’m rejected because of the things I know
My heart bleeds for all those bad things done
By people who say you deserve no-one

My kids have to live with a disabled parent
Someone so worthless, well that’s apparent
10 years left rotting on welfare
Cause neo-liberals don’t like providing the abused health care

Running round and round on their torture wheel
Getting whipped and beaten, so how do you heal
And when I tell someone of my plight
They attack me – like I picked this fight

Every neo-liberal National voter must take the blame
For every suicide, our Nation’s shame
For all those abused who get inadequate care
For those that hurt them the lion’s share

You find it abhorant those who abuse
Yet for those they’ve hurt it’s neglect that you choose
Although our laws spell out the road
You leave us writhing under this heavy load

Nobody takes responsibility its true
Not the worker, the boss, politician not you
You assure those at the top get money and praise
While those at the bottom you denigrate and degrade

God defend New Zealand
God defend our free land
From cruel neo-liberal elitists now running this place
Who have turned it into a fucking disgrace!


The Human Rights Act and Bill of Rights Acts, Ombudsman, Auditor-General, Judiciary, Human Rights agencies, disabled rights agencies and many others were supposed to protect citizens from this sort of abuse of power – what the fuck happened?

Watched Inside New Zealand last night – feel vindicated & empowered

Everything I have been saying for years about the revolting state of this country is in this documentary.  If this doesn’t spur the people to action – nothing will.  I’m going protesting in Masterton today, chalking outside John Hayes MP office and making sure everybody knows how I feel about neo-liberalism.

I feel so empowered and fearless – its awesome after the couple of weeks I have had.  Of course the boy almost killing himself is a direct result of these immoral failed political theories.  Roger Douglas should be stripped of his knighthood and so should every other revolting rich and powerful bastard that allowed our country to hurt so many people and concentrate so much wealth where it wasn’t deserved.

You wait until I get back to Wellington – I’m thinking of going on a rent strike as well – paying only $100 to my greedy landlord – because that is all I can afford.  In the documentary they talk about $1.2 billion in accommodation supplements making landlords wealthy and $billions in Working For Families propping up wages.  It was fucking disgusting and to think the people that perpetrated this experiment on us are still being paid and respected in our community – not by me they are not.


More proof mental health services are abusive and corrupted by immoral political ideologies

Yip it gets worse, the boy never got any help just abuse and degradation not only from police but also from mental health services.

I had arguments with Victim support and the Family Violence team idiot, both of them saying they agreed with everything I was saying about how bad mental health services were but I shouldn’t get upset with them they were only the messengers. WTF does that mean.  We are allowing mental health services to neglect and abuse people – drive them to suicide – even though people are entitled to care under the law.  Why aren’t the police doing anything about them not following the law??  They see the results of this neglect and rejection every single day.  I wonder if it was the same in NAZI Germany when they started persecuting the mentally ill, gay and Jewish.

It took me almost a week to get the windows fixed as nobody believed that I would pay the bill?  One glass guy came to my house saying he hadn’t received any emails confirming he was to do the job and get paid by Victim Support.  He also told me that emails from the budget service didn’t count and he no longer did work on rental properties – WTF.  I assured him it wasn’t the budget service that was emailing him and the reason the windows were broken is a suicidal ex-boyfriend lost the plot and smashed them, terrorized us and tried to hang himself in the garage.  The guy became apologetic but still said he had no email and wouldn’t do anything.  I started to cry and told him I would sort it out.  I closed the door and did my best to arrange something through WINZ (I have an amazing case manager) and someone else to do the windows and get the email to them.  I see that glassman around town and sometimes if I go to the karaoke, now I know how he feels about poor people in rental accommodation my reaction to him isn’t going to be good.

Today I am sitting at a friends, too scared to go home as I sent some pretty desperate emails last night I was feeling so unwell and so angry.  This morning there was a knock on the door early and I froze, scared it was either the suicidal boy ignoring the trespass notice or three police there to insult, degrade and abuse me for the emails – it was a courier package for my daughter.

I’m also freaking out I don’t know how I can life on $120 less every week???  I have no money to move and I don’t want to because I have been forced to move so many times it makes me really unwell.  Plus my teenagers need somewhere to come home to if they need to???

Why does everybody know how bad mental health services are but nobody does anything about it?

Also I have hopefully got some help for the boy- the police are going to try and get the judge to force him into counselling through Stopping Violence Services but they can’t force mental health services to do anything.  I have got help for my daughter and her friends (some who are also the boys friends) in case he kills himself or there is some other drama – through the school.  But when it comes to me, even though I already have serious mental health issues – I get absolutely nothing.  The police are focused on my daughter but it is me that has suffered the worst abuse (he sent a very abusive text) me who has to deal with the broken windows, me who is supposed to protect us, me who is responsible for the house.  I hope my landlord doesn’t find out – he’ll probably evict us, we’re the victims but we’ll be blamed – I know most of my neighbours already do.

This is how we treat all abused people, like they are a stain on our perfect lives and when they are going through shit, the community hates you more, I know Carterton is like every other town in this country.

This is what happens when an abused child grows up without the health care and support they need.  I never realised when he came here just how screwed up he was, I knew he needed guidance, respect and understanding but he is one of those abused boys who will become an abusive man.  Although my daughter and I are away from him, as soon as he latches on to some other girl he is going to do the same thing – become controlling and more and more abusive until she tries to dump him then he will try and commit suicide.

I overheard him say once that I was the only adult that had EVER treated him with respect – I had known him for such a short time and my heart arched when I heard that.  I met his abusive father once and he degraded him right in front of me – for not reason, I stood up for him of course.  Now the father knows he has tried to commit suicide he has blamed me and my daughter for it – WTF.  I would love to go to his work – he is some well paid manager at the local Breadcraft bakery – and tell everybody there just what the sleazebag is like and what he did to hurt his son and create this abusive young man.

A policeman told me this was just him trying to manipulate my daughter – I assured him it was far more serious and deepseated than that and directly related to his own abusive and neglected upbringing.  I live with being suicidal I know what it is like when you get in that place.  Before I was raped, the person was found not guilty and I spent the next 10 years being abused by ACC and others I had never had a suicidal thought in my life and never understood it.  I also never understood how anybody could kill someone – I do now – people are being driven to violence after years of oppressive and corrupt governments.

New Zealand is a sick sick place, all pretty and well presented on the face of it but underneath in the ever increasing Darklands of this shit hole of degradation, abuse, abusive mental health services, abusive justice services towards disabled (mentally injured) traumatised people.  Our leaders are completely out of touch with reality and so are those agencies who are supposed to protect us.

What is currently happening in this country is the beginnings of how every great empire has ever fallen, the rich and powerful take to much, persecute innocent people and then degrade and control anybody they don’t like, including the poor, disabled etc.

Suicidal stuff is coming over me like waves, that feeling of complete hopelessness that you know will only be relieved by killing yourself.  The hatred towards those who are persecuting you (yes I do know what persecution means I have a dictionary), how much you want them to hurt like you hurt so they will understand and help people.  In between the suicidal stuff I’m trying to get back focused on my judicial review but it is hard, I’ve written a letter to the Chief Coronor after his comments about suicide stats a few days ago – though he says them all the time and nobody does anything.

It’s like some game they play – and why would a judge give a shit anyway – at least a third of the people going through the justice system at the moment have mental health issues – which of course is blatant discrimination on the basis of disability.  The government refuses to provide professional and appropriate care to so many people with mental health issues and when they start flipping out because of it the judiciary punish them for it – a sick sick country.  The saddest thing of course is there are laws saying people are entitled to this care but there is absolutely no way of accessing it without a lawyer – and a bloody good one.

Tired now, might have a bath,




Ex-boyfriend tried to commit suicide in the garage tonight

Yip, you wouldn’t think my life could get any more stressful or dysfunctional but it has.  I was off staying at a friends when my daughter called me, he had turned up, got angry and trashed the place then headed for the garage to hang himself.  She had already phoned the police before phoning me.  We sat with them for about an hour, he was taken away.

Later we found out he was going to be assessed by the CAT team and probably let out.  WTF. He was obviously only doing this for attention – WTF.  We have had several suicides in our region recently but Josh isn’t going to do it – WTF.  He will probably be let out to his mother – he is not allowed back here for two days because he trashed the place.

I told the police what I thought of our crap mental health services and begged them not to let him out – he just stared at me blankly.  He even said they don’t usually keep them in – that is because they no longer have any fucking services – go the 1980s and 90s mental health reforms.

He also broke a window – which I have no money to fix.  My daughter is really upset.  I’m scared what Josh will do next.  All this and I am having to live on $50 for food each week – when is this torture going to fucking end.

Josh was at the end of a 12 day work week, with two days off.  His new contract put him on a salary and took away one of his weekends – I knew it was too much for him.  Go the National Party what a bunch of immoral disgusting abusive irresponsible ignorant bigots you are – and you are still trying to erode workers rights.

I wonder if the tory right-wing National party voters take any responsibility for the situation so many people are in.


I am going chalking tomorrow and going to be sending lots of very angry emails about what is happening to our communities – this has got to stop.  If everybody else is to chicken to speak out – I’m not.  Will have to talk to my lawyer friend and see if I can get some protection from being committed and drugged – that is how disturbed/negligent local mental health services are.


Tell Me Why

Oh please please tell me why
You ignore me when I cry
You beat me when I’m fallen
You deceive me with your lies

Oh please please tell me when
The rules you will not bend
People will get the help they need
Rejection you will not send

Oh please please tell me how
It’s ok to do this now
With all the knowledge in the world
Why is rehab not allowed

Oh please please tell me what
You conveniently forgot
To return my calls and letters sent
Thanks a bloody lot

Oh please please tell me where
Is the person sitting in their chair
Deciding those abused get less
It’s just not fucking fair

Oh please please tell me who
Do I have to go through
To get this crime exposed to all
So others can be healed too

Oh please please tell me why
When I whisper I might die
You pass me on to someone else
To the whipping post I’m tied

Oh please please tell me when
Will this torture ever end
You will do what you say you do
So we all can one day mend


Take Your Blinkers Off – poem

Take your blinkers off I say
With people’s lives you do play
The police are left to sort this out
While mental health do less than nowt

If you arrived dripping in blood
If you staggered in as you could
Would you expect to be turned away
Told it’s not bad enough you can’t stay

Back on the streets of this masters town
Neglected, rejected, oppressed, put down
They keep the suicidal from view
If you only knew, if you only knew

But you don’t want to see
How the system treats ones like me
So you put up barriers left and right
Leaving the only option fight, fight, fight

Fight that unseen enemy
Those that choose neglect are many
Giving excuse after excuse
Not take responsibility for this abuse

Although I endure a stress disorder
That sees me on the edge, the border
No-one comes to sort shit out
All they do is look and spout

Of course, almost dead is not enough
Living with suicidal ideology is tough
They know it – I’ve studied
So why neglect people bloodied

Compare us to the strongest man
Would he say, any weight I can
I can lift 100 maybe two
But even I know what I can’t do

An if this strong man
When asked to bear all weight he can
Was put in water above his head
That’s real easy – he’d soon be dead

I’ve lived like this for months, for years
Thousands of hours, thousands of tears
Trying to make you do what you say
But you keep the power at the end of the day

And with this power you do abuse
Neglect, reject, oppress, refuse
The backlash we see in social stats
Dysfunction, addiction, suicide, the facts

Do something my people
Don’t leave us to die
Rescue us from this place of neglect
Or watch us writhe


Inspired by Wairarapa mental health services – but happening all over New Zealand.


Lump dealt with

Just saw I didn’t tell you what happened with the lump on my forehead.  Michelle came over for a few days and took me to a doctor.  I had to move all my records to a surgery in Masterton – one where three doctors have let me down before and one I made a formal complaint about.

Anyway, we saw a doctor who ‘froze’ it.  I wanted it cut out but she said it was cheaper to freeze it.  I still have a mark that won’t go away, so am assuming I will have to go back.  What is it with out medical profession – do they think we are all stupid.

Trouble is now I have lost the guided and free health care package I was getting at the Featherston Medical Centre.  I don’t even know who my doctor will be.  I hate going to the doctor, I’m almost phobic about it now – or more like morbid fear – how sad.  So much for the PHO model responding better to those people falling through the cracks – now so many falling through this superficial health care into a freezing crevasse.

Going to do some more work on finishing The Black Book of poetry, you should check it out.

Didn’t have time to hear my case on Wednesday so I got up to mischief :-)

Outside ACC Aitken St


My case ended up not being heard – $35 to get to court and only $30 for food this week – oh how the torture wheel grinds your bones to make their bread.  I had to wait around from 10.30am until 2.15pm so thought I would make use of the trip and go chalking, singing and reciting poetry at my favourite places.  Almost ended up getting arrested outside ACC, got asked to tone it down at Parliament (the guy was so nice I couldn’t say no) – I just get so frustrated, I can’t yell at the person who is hurting me by keeping care from me so I am ‘compelled’ to yell at those people going in the building.  Maybe one of them is that person and can stop what is happening to me and thousands of abuse victims.

At ACC The Sheriff told me people felt threatened and intimidated – that is what they do to me so what do they expect.  They want me gone because they feel ashamed and guilty about what I am telling them – they don’t want to be told just how bad it is – and I don’t hold back on the truth.

Did heaps of chalking around the Supreme Court and found out later the judges were all there for some sort of meeting or case.

supreme court wgtn


Once I realised at 2.30 my case wouldn’t be heard I had two hours before the train, and as The Sheriff was such a wanker and almost arrested me I headed for Wellington Central Police station to chalk my feelings about his bullying and threatening behaviour.

I recorded him on my mobile phone, it was the only reason I wasn’t violently arrested – cause he really really wanted to.  Havn’t been able to upload the video with sound, will keep trying, it is a good example of how to stand up to the police – and when to backdown.

Dedicated to the Sheriff and all power crazed policemen

Dedicated to the Sheriff and all power crazed policemen

Got some video outside the Appeal Court just after the altercation with The Sheriff, where I’m really upset by the words on the window and just what a load of rubbish they are.  Makes me more determined to get going on these judicial reviews.

Had a brilliant day protesting, met some interesting people, got lots of support.

Oh yeah protested sung, recited poetry for about half an hour outside the District Court and chalked.  Security were all good, I know they believe in what I am doing but ‘they’ve got their jobs to do’ blah blah blah.  It is when the police, security and military stop supporting our cruel, deceitful, callous, elitist neo-liberal government that we will have justice for all people in this country.



Check out the new Red Tape War Room

The Office

The Office

It is looking a bit more sorted than this, we’ve started on compiling all the clinical, scientific and legal information we need to provide for our three judicial reviews.  Lots more sorting to do, and I have to start downloading the information we have from the internet and the thousands of emails to prove our case.

This is what those scum bags ACC, mental health, justice and political people put you through – just to stop you getting the health care you are entitled to – it is fucking sick.

It is great to be finally working with someone as passionate me about how the law can force the authorities to help us and all abuse victims with stress disorders.

We will post documents on this website as they come to hand, and of course those pages already on here will be included in our judicial review.  I will be applying for a judicial review on the police decision not to investigate my complaints of harm by ACC and health authorities under Section 157 of the Crimes Act.  Along with ACCs decision not to reinstate my care from 2009, by refusing to accommodate impairments related to my disability, to provide me with a safe environment for communication and to accommodate my cultural, religious and ethical beliefs in my rehabilitation.

Michelle will apply for her own judicial review on ACC’s decision not to provide services that aren’t professional and are harmful.

It’s a daunting task, but someone’s gotta do it.