Diary – bloody hell that was a rough two weeks

Just when you think it can’t get any worse and you can’t take any more stress you find out about the ACC Disputes Tribunal and how they have been telling you for years you can’t use them – but you can.  So why didn’t Joanne Grealy take my case to court?  The system is fucked!

So while having a melt-down on the phone the woman calls the police who turn up with tazers and a police dog.  I thought they must have been looking for someone fugitive when they came up the drive.  Opened the door and found it was for me, I was really pissed off and commented on the OVERKILL.  I couldn’t get out of going with them however and spent three hours at Lower Hutt Police Station (I got photos of going in the back entrance).

Put me in a white room with one table and a bolted down chair – BORING BORING BORING – I don’t do BORING.  While they called the CATT team who took 2 1/2 hours to turn up.  To let off energy I started singing Why What When Where Who How song at the top of my lungs, and any other song I could remember, as well as recited poetry and demanded to see my laywer.  They gave me my visual diary, mobile phone and bible but wouldn’t give me a pencil.  So I ripped up some of the paper, made a water bomb and some other things.  I also ripped up a polystyrene cup they gave me with water in it.  Have used these in an artwork, stuck them on to black background.

I was really loud, and my voice echoed in the room and I’m sure through most of the cells, at one point some cop with a hat on looked in and asked me what all the noise was about.  I just said I’m BORED and he shut the door.

When CATT team turned up I backed into the corner like a frightened animal and told them I didn’t want them in the room.  Then I just started nutting off and swearing at them, I thought about all the times I had been refused care and threatened by these people, all the stories I knew about them.  I swore at them about how they degraded and drugged people into submission, I gave them a hard-out bollocking.  The two women looked like stunned mullets.  The policeman stood between me and the women, he tried to get me to stop but I told him it was part of my terrets (which it is) and I was so threatened by these mother fucking pieces of filth I couldn’t stop myself.

The police and I tried several times to get hold of my lawyer without success, in the end I was told I would be taken home.  I was a lot quieter on the way home, in the back of the policecar with my head down, hands over my ears rocking backwards and forwards with my eyes closed, most of the way home.  Before I got out I said to the police officers that I had never ever retaliated against them and never would and I wouldn’t be in this situation if ACC and mental health were giving me the care they were supposed to.  I said you should be arresting ACC staff not me.

Having the police come and mental health phone my flatmate didn’t go down well and she gave me shit about it.  Has made me feel uncomfortable here, great, like that isn’t stressful.

Been supporting and advocating for friend Ricky, who is doing it hard since his stroke.  Wish I had more money so I could go and see him every second day.  I went to physio with him which was good, he is trying so hard but so downhearted at the same time.  We always have a good laugh, both having dark senses of humour.  I took in the ‘therapy’ paintings I have been doing and the comparisons between the art after my mother phoned me and the ones after I had talked to my doctor following a big upset were well – very different  I should get photos and post them but having trouble downloading photos from my new phone.

Was so stressed out last week I went back and stayed in Carterton with Sarah, was such a relief to be home as I hadn’t been sleeping very well for the previous few nights after an upset with flatmate.  I had a hot bath at Sarahs, nice relaxing music and insense.  Also went out to jam night at The Clareville Bakery, caught up with people I hadn’t seen for months – I had stopped going to jam night as things were so difficult at home and my mental health so bad.

It was good to be able to talk to people about what I was doing, how hard things were and what was happening with the Owen Glenn Inquiry, Parliamentary Inquiry and Auditor-General Audit.  Also how my court case was going and how great the assessment was by the forensic psychiatrist.

Heard from ACC but they are still refusing to reinstate my care like I had it before, they want me to do another assessment and won’t let me see Alan Doris.  I’m not communicating with them very well and my counsellor from Wellbeing Services refuses to have any contact with them, said it wasn’t her job and I should get an advocate.  She had helped me with WINZ but everybody is scared of ACC.  She wants to give me therapy when I’m so fucking stressed out with everything that is happening I’m doing as well as can be expected.

This is what fucks me off about counsellors, they’ve been bought in to brainwash people that if they just knew a few of their de-escalation and de-stress techniques then I would be fine.  What a load of fucking bullshit – after 12 years I know every trick in the book for de-escalating when I’m fucked off or really really sad.  This is the same counselling services who told me I could see a counsellor on the following Thursday (I was really struggling and needed to see them urgently), I waited to hear what time, when I didn’t hear I phoned them and they said I had only been put in the system and nothing would be organised for another two weeks.

Also the counsellor was late on our first meeting.  Then after the police indicent last week, I couldn’t see her because she had double booked the session – on Wednesday she asked me if I could wait until the following week and I took ages to answer but said I suppose.  Obviously I couldn’t if the police were called the next day.

Also at a previous session we decided she was going to take me to a weekly exercise class in Wainuiomata.  She completely forgot about it until I phoned her and said I couldn’t make it because I was too unwell and couldn’t bear to do anything that challenging when I was so fragile.

This is what the public mental health system is like.  She wants to pass me onto secondary mental health services, even though she knows I am entitled to all the care I need under ACC.  I’m trying to make the most of her, she isn’t a bad person and I only get to see her twice more I think.  I’ve got court next Thursday, which is the ONLY day I can see her, would have been helpful to see her the day before court – but hey, I’ve been doing this without support for a long time now.

Oh yeah my lawyer – get this – reason they are free (and the taxpayer is getting a raw deal) I have been contacting my lawyer on a regular basis (and she takes ages to get back to me) to find out when the second assessment was.  On Wednesday she phoned and had just clicked that the court had ordered the assessment but nothing had been done – DAH – WHAT HAD I BEEN SAYING.  John Duncan forensic mental health nurse was sitting in the room, why hadn’t he arranged it?

Thing is the judge ordered the psych report and if it is the fault of mental health services that it wasn’t done in time then he is going to be really really pissed off – and so am I.  It was urgent because we had planned to hear my wilful trespass charges straight after the psych assessment hearing.  So now mental health have got to organise a psych assessment at the court, with me and security (as before) in time for court next Thursday.  WTF

If that is legal representation…………….  that isn’t legal representation.  Megan is a nice person but bloody hell, not good enough, I wonder how big their caseloads are.  Anyway it will be good to get mental health in the shit, and I will be making sure mental health get the blame for the delays, and Megan takes some responsibility.

Even if report is not done I am going to ask that we go ahead with the case, I will plead Common Law/Civil and Political Rights/Bill of Rights and the responsibility of a person to fight in any non-violent manner they consider necessary in objection to human rights abuses at the hands of the NZ government.

What are they going to do to me, community service maybe, its not like anybody doesn’t believe I wasn’t justified considering my situation.  They can’t fine me, I have no money.  I doubt if I would have to do community service either considering my mental health at the moment.  Also I would be proud to have three charges of wilful trespass as a criminal record for fighting for my rights and the rights of other abused stress disordered people.

It still amazes me how the media think my story un-newsworthy, the people I tell about it are fascinated – imagine if the whole of New Zealand knew.  Not much chance of that when majority of NZ media hate me, they’re offended about my Journalists Are Maggots poem 🙂  as they are supposed to be.  There are so few political activists and people fighting for justice like me who are challenging the biased right-wing NZ media who are inciting resentment dissension envy and hate in society.  So many of them telling half the story about suicide and why, about the medication of our entire society to deal with those not coping with inequality, injustice and degrading poverty in an affluent country.  A country that thinks spending $53million on an elitist sport is OK, while they tell sexual abuse victims and war veterens there isn’t enough money for the extensive health care you need.


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