Monthly Archives: February 2016

Check out ACC legislation Social Rehabiliation & Purpose of the Act

Anybody can know what I know, ACC legislation backs up what I’m saying about what people are entitled to, an amazing piece of social legislation – that has currently been corrupted and causing more harm, especially for mentally injured people.

Also Check out Social Rehabilitation and Schedule 1 about tasks of daily living etc, – there is so much abused and traumatised people are entitled to but not getting, grrrrrr.


Ceilia Lashlie Day, Victoria University

Was concerned about how I would go at this event, imagined myself becoming enraged about the rhetoric I’d heard dozens of times before, storming down the front of the group and giving them a bollocking about talking shit and doing nothing.

Had to hold on to my chair at one point from doing just that and walked out of the session between lunch and afternoon tea – to stop myself from doing it.

Wrote pages of notes during the morning, mostly critical of the speakers and hearing the same shit I have been listening to for over a decade since I became embroiled in the VIOLENCE INDUSTRY after I was raped.  Will do a full report and send to the speakers, funders and media involved in this event when finished.

I’m sure Ceilia would approve of me not pulling any punches and doing what I believed was my soul work to ensure abused men women and children got the care and resources they are entitled to under ACC law – so we could heal our communities and create the peaceful country we ALL desire to live in.

For  now I’ll just tell you some of what happened as a debrief.

I had to keep reminding myself that the people at this event are totally focused on people who have troubled histories and turn to crime as a result – while many of us don’t we just suffer and kill ourselves.  So the room was full of people in the system, working for the system, relying on this dysfunction for purpose and money, some were funders of a few charitable organisations and then there was me and one other woman.

I wasn’t doing too bad until I started listening to a woman academic doing a writing programme at one of the prisons and talking about her success with an inmate (there for a long time so obviously killed someone) who she was helping her get her degree in history.  Exactly the help I am supposed to be receiving from ACC to return to study, return to my life before I was hurt.  Grrrr started ticking badly, crying, rocking etc.  The people around me were nice, but I even have to manage that as I don’t want to be touched by these people who obviously know the problems but would never get off their arses and get arrested for protesting about them.

Something Ceilia said, as there was quite a bit of video of her over the years, which really annoyed me was her statement that she would not apologise for being middle class and educated, in her staunch voice.  That is what I was looking at around me, middle class educated people who mostly had not experienced the pain and dysfunction of overwhelming trauma.

NOTE: Rather than refer to these people as abused it has become even more important recently (with what is happening in ChCh) that as Bessel vanderKolk explains it is the impact of OVERWHELMING TRAUMA that causes dysfunction.  There might be slightly different impacts if it is caused by sexual abuse, violence, witnessing suicide violence etc but the ultimate result is the same. 

It was also obvious from what I heard, it is the unconditional care we give after overwhelming trauma that is the difference between recovery and continuing dysfunction.

I talked to a few people about what was happening to me and my repeated arrests etc for protesting about the lack of professional health care for traumatised people, particularly abuse victims who were entitled to ACC treatment care and rehabilitation.

There were several speakers talking about some really good things happening with retreats run for couples in violent relationships etc.  However they had totally discounted getting the government to do anything and were searching for private donations – which of course is exactly what neo-liberals want.  Those things that were discussed, were all being run in prisons and mostly through police, so only available at the bottom of the cliff.

There were some extremely naive comments that had me making comments that only those around me could hear – I really tried not to.  One of them was, the best thing you can do for someone is just listen – GRRRRRR WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT!  Listening to someone in a serious situation then walking away is BULLSHIT.

There was a lot of comment from people working with dysfunctional trauma victims who seemed to BELIEVE the victims analysis of the situation they were in, where I know these assessments were misguided as only a good counsellor/psychotherapist/psychiatrist would be able to explain the underlying cause.  Way too many social workers and justice professionals there, commenting on this topic where it should have been mental health professionals.  Was very disappointed in the academics, great at theory and analysing statistics, shit at reality and understanding statistics.

Several people I talked to became overwhelming with what I was saying, as I do and became uncomfortable with what I was saying – but knew that I was obviously an expert in my field and found it difficult to believe the shit I am getting from the police ACC and others for protesting.

Many of the agencies represented are those that have rejected me, blocked me from facebook, twitter etc.  Marama Fox was there, surprised to see me and ran like a rabbit as quick as she could.  Jacinda Adhern was there and is head of some bullshit related to this – boy is she going to get a bollocking and copy of my final report – as I know nobody from the Labour Party will see me, listen to anything I have got to say or ask any questions in the house about ACC not providing the treatment care and rehabilitation services to trauma victims they are supposed to under the Act.

I believe from Mason Jury’s work the Health and Mental Health Act would cover people traumatised by witnessing crime etc or impacted badly by things like the Christchurch earthquake.

After lunch I couldn’t stay in the room, couldn’t listen to the bullshit that I knew happened to traumatised people so I headed outside for a couple of hours and chalked poetry on the ashphalt around the lecture theatre and outside Law School cafe.

On my travels last couple of days I noted with disgust the construction going on around the city.  They’ve just finished the Ministry of Education, Ministry of Health is being completely revamped, so is Victoria Business School and the Old Govt Buildings Law School, plus I know there is a huge construction project up at Kelburn campus.  All this money and resources going into these public organisations while thousands of disabled and poor New Zealanders don’t have houses to live – a basic human right and a necessary of life that the government are required to provide to under law to disabled people (eg mentally injured traumatised people).

It is the priorities of successive governments that makes me angry, they get flash offices while citizens suffer.  Building their ivory tower higher and higher, pretty sure some poetry with that topic will show itself soon.

One speaker, a policewoman made my eyes roll, story was of Taumaranui where they had the highest rate of family violence in the country at one point.  The district commander called this senior officer into his office and said FIX IT, I don’t care what you do but come up with some ideas to fix this.  That is how they started the couples retreats.  WTF is a policeman and woman ‘coming up with ideas’ we have universities full of mental health professionals for that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course they are on the right track because as humans we inherently know who to care for each other.  That our cruel corrupt government choose to not allow the resources to do this properly/professionally is a gross miscarriage of justice and the worst crime of our modern time.

Spent most of lunch time crying, had to phone Richard to get through it and be able to continue with the day.  Someone suggested it was too much for me and should I be there – I just said I don’t have a choice, if I am going to change the world I have to ignore my own trauma as much as possible and listen to what those with power are saying.

At one point I talked to this woman, an exMP who say I was upset and asked what she could do.  I said give me 20 mins so we talked at afternoon tea.  She ended up getting a bollocking and being called a maggot which she wasn’t very happy about.  I asked her to take the information she had been speaking about – she was a Dr of sociology (?) was more or less saying not helping people was causing more harm, along with neo-liberal economic theories unemployment etc.  When I suggested she make a complaint to the police about violations of the crimes act by ACC she said she would be too embarrassed, they wouldn’t listen to her and really pathetic childish things like that.  So she was more concerned with her own standing than doing the right thing.

Most of the people there talked about the underlying problem being unemployment and the structure of our current society.  They talked about it but then glossed over it????  Like it was something we/they had to accept and just deal with the consequences without enough funding Grrrrr.  OF COURSE WE DO NOT, and policies that purposely create harm and death of innocent people in society are acts of terrorism under the Terrorism Suppression Act.

The final person I talked to was a woman who has just started a support group for mentally ill people, made up of people being shafted like I am.  We both were in shock at the way we were being treated and many others are being treated.  They are meeting with politicians etc and I’m going to share what I know about the law and what people are entitled to by not receiving.  She was keen on my activism and what I know about the law so hopefully I will have something to share with the group.



Open Letter to Bill English on Violence in New Zealand

A copy of the email I just sent, mistakes and all, I was so angry when I saw a news item on domestic violence by Bill English.

Mr English

I have just seen this news item and I am absolutely fuming – I cannot believe you do not know exactly why we have so much domestic violence in this country after 30 years of advancing the rich and persecuting the poor.  After 30 years of cutting mental health services and providing mental health services that follow no professional health models.  30 years of advancing the use of psychotropic medications instead of professional treatment care and rehabilitation.

I have studied this for 14 years since I was raped by a badly abused child who didn’t get the help he needed and became a rapist.  I have been asking ACC for 14 years to provide the treatment care and rehabilitation I am entitled to under ACC laws – they still refuse, even though I have won two ACC reviews to have a short period of care in 2009 (that was actually abused on professional health models).

You know who I am because I have been protesting outside Parliament for years with signs like GOD PLEASE HELP ME!  I was there when Mike Bazette told the audience about the work he had done in mental health that proved NGOs (private organisations) do not work in mental health care.  From experience in UK where it caused violence, suicide and social problems.

Treasury know who I am because I chalk outside their building, tell them they are murderers of abused women and children.  For every person you don’t help, 10 of them will go on to harm 10 others and they in turn will harm 10 others, which is why we have such a massive increase.  Also the government have created a social environment that does not cater to people’s basic human needs (please refer to Maslows Pyramid of Needs), particularly somewhere to live and enough money to live.

I hear people all the time saying its complicated – but it isn’t, its easy to care for people, really easy.  ACC are the answer here, they need to start being the professional rehabilitation organisation they are supposed to be, especially in the area of sexual and physical abuse.  I have several social media sites and a solutions page based on ACC and professional health models, this is what people are legally supposed to be receiving but do not.  Please refer to my Fence At The Top of the Cliff rehabilitation model, it needs work as I don’t know exactly where all the funding streams are but it would sure use the money you are putting into this a lot better.

The NGOs, stopping violence services and social services that are supposed to help me, all refuse to deal with me – BECAUSE – I know my rights, I know what they say they do and when they don’t do it I get angry and make formal complaints.  I can’t go into everything in this email as I am really upset at your ignorance.

One of the biggest problems is the reliance on psychotropic drugs when people become violent or suicidal – they just don’t work in traumatic stress disorders – which most people have.  I see up north they are providing help to violent men – by – giving them a safe house to live in and intensive work, etc etc.  This is what the NZ government used to provide but because of neo-liberal economic policies that HARM SOCIETY this has been stripped from our society and we all suffer as a result.

I have asked for meetings with Ministers so many times, made so many submissions to so many things, done everything humanly possible in my 12-14 hour seven day a week work trying to get the care me and thousands of people are entitled to BY LAW.

I am repeatedly arrested for my legal protests because I want to look those people in the eye who are denying me and others this professional health care etc.  Ask Marama Fox about me!  I am not the scary violent person people think, but I breath fire and brimstone, for sure, because I see the unnecessary suffering all around me and I can’t stand it.  Most of the money you spend is in marketing – marketing doesn’t work when you are dealing with basic instinct – I want to smash my TV when I see John Kirwan come on.

You are a Christian for Gods sake listen to me, give me an hour of your time or let me consult with these overpaid bureaucrats at least so I can tell and show them where the problems are.  Rejecting me is ridiculous I am extremely valuable, have reports saying I am intelligent, don’t have a personality disorder and am not delusional.  I know ‘the system’ from all sides, health, welfare, law, etc etc.  I live this nightmare where most organisations say one thing and do another – in my case that includes Salvation Army who failed me miserably – because my disorder isn’t always recognisable and I am articulate I was abused and discredited instead of helped.

At a recent protest in Carterton, where I told my MP Alastair Scott he was a murderer I lost it and repeated over and over IF I CAN’T WORK I DON’T WANT TO LIVE, IF I CAN’T WORK I DON’T WANT TO LIVE.  I can’t work because ACC continue to refuse me the health care I am entitled to under the law.  Only 2 weeks ago they got together with a psych nurse and my doctor (who I had met no more than an hour in my life) and yet again decided I wouldn’t be getting the care I am entitled to under the law – instead I would get a mental health worker (except there were none available and had not been for months) and I was to go to Ashburn Hall, which I could not do due to my extreme phobic reactions and lack of support to get well enough to travel there.  Plus I know for a fact it wouldn’t work, I have heard of studies done that prove taking people away into a safe environment improves things but they go further backwards when put back into an unsafe environment.

I have so much more to my story, so much more, I also have Christian beliefs and was horrified to hear that you and Chris Finlayson are Catholic.  The scientific/health principles I have learned over 14 years correspond with what the bible says about caring about people.  Still I cannot get anybody to listen to me and do something about this unnecessary harm caused in our society.

Give me a job, let me do what needs to be done, would cost you less money, because I intend to get arrested many more times for legally protesting about the issue of professional mental health care and welfare for mentally injured and mentally ill people.  I will not stop and I will not shut up until abused and mentally ill people in this country get the professional health care and health models they are entitled to under ACC, health, disability, criminal, human rights and bill of rights laws. NEVER.

(referred him to this website)



Civil Society Actor

Christchurch, trauma & NZ govt’s criminal neglect

On social media this morning, reading news reports and seeing how distraught so many people are about the situation in Christchurch 5 years after the earthquake, I have several fb friends live in Christchurch.  A comment by Jerry Brownlee about how cabinet are concerned about the mental health of Cantabrians that has my blood boiling and rallying me to action after a week of depressing hell.

14 years I have spent studying trauma and why the system of caring for traumatised people is so abusive/destructive for large numbers of us.  14 years trying to stay alive and get the treatment care and rehabilitation I am entitled to under ACC, health, disability, criminal, human rights and bill of rights laws so I can return to work – without success.  The more unwell I become the more discredited and degraded I am by those in authority, which Dr Bessel vander Kolk and other health professionals (including sociologists) can readily explain and I understand on a scientific level, but struggle with on a human level.

My business and rehabilitation plans are based on medical evidence, professional health models and THE LAW!   You would think with all these things validating what I am saying and passionately recommending that someone would at least meet with me to discuss this – but no, not even my MP  (then wonders why I get upset).  I can show you all the emails requesting 1 hour meetings with so many people I have identified as having the power to change what is going on.  Instead they are frightened of my honesty, integrity, intelligence and rage at the gross miscarriage of justice I am witnessing against some of the most vulnerable, unwell and deserving people in New Zealand.

To all those politicians from all parties that I have contacted please get hold of Marama Fox and she will reassure you that I am not a dangerous person and in fact am intelligent, realistic and have an excellent grasp of trauma, law, politics and human rights.  I have reports saying I am intelligent and not delusional – unlike so many of the people I correspond with.

Please read my business plan and go over my rehabilitation model, I completed them several years ago and I know they need some work – however it was difficult to give more detail when I didn’t have the details of the current funding streams for the services and resources required to implement professional health care for traumatised people.  Although my business plan is focused on those suffering from abuse trauma, this would also work for others with overwhelming ‘earthquake’ trauma, as the body/brain reacts in a similar way no matter what the traumatic experience.  As with my rehabilitation model, the principles are the same and based on professional Occupational Therapy practices and ACC social rehabilitation.

This will take massive monetary investment and I expect the government to raise this money through an increase in taxation to the richest 10% of people and businesses in this country, I am sure Treasury will have many ideas on how to do this.  I would also suggest passing laws under urgency to cut payouts to ex-politicians and other public servants, that are grossly inapproriate and irresponsible in this current climate of debt and health/welfare services that fail to follow our laws.  That would include cuts to welfare benefits for people over 65 who continue to work full time.  Salaries for New Zealand’s highest paid public servants should also be slashed and extravagant use of consultants contained.  All extravagant expenditure on buildings, resources and furniture in government departments should stop immediately and money be funnelled into this crisis.

New Zealand has the opportunity to repair the damage they have done in Christchurch and around our beautiful country – time for those in authority, with power and money to start acting with integrity and honour.  Time those that lead this country treated it like a nation of citizens and not a business with workers and resources to exploit.

God of Nations at thy feet
In the bonds of love we meet
Hear our voices we entreat
God defend our free land

From dissension envy hate
And corruption guard our state
Make our country good and great
God defend New Zealand

Our National anthem makes up part of our Constitution – read it and weep.

Kia kaha to us all.

If you can clean you can work – NZ is a neo-liberal hell hole

I am on invalids benefit and I hate it so much I wish I was dead every day.  It causes huge psycho-social problems and ensures being marginalised due to poverty and the hatred by most in society after 30 years of propaganda against unemployed people.

The reason I can do a regular cleaning job and some random cleaning for Green Dollar people is because I know the people and if I don’t feel well I don’t go or I change the day I go.  I also trade things or time in return for what I do, I am allowed to do this, WINZ know about it, it is allowed under the law.  In a real job you have to turn up when they want you to, stay as long as they want you to and do what they want you to.  A real job supports you without welfare – as I wasn’t hurt until 37 I know what it is to work, have a job and be normal.  Maybe that’s why it is so hard to accept the nightmare I am living at the moment, thanks to ACC, mental health and a myriad of agencies that lie about the services they provide.

To have a ‘real job’ in this neo-liberal hell hole, with no support from ACC, Workbridge, WINZ or any of the other ‘support’ agencies that don’t support you, you cannot have a disability like mine and you cannot work.  You cannot have money to spend like people, family, friends, etc you know who do have jobs – which is majority of people my age.  You cannot attend cultural events, you cannot self-actualise, you are not safe where you live and you are not safe with other people, as you are easily frightened into silence.  Once you have been in this position for years you give up all hope, because time after time you attempt to recover or do something where you can earn some money you fail.  You fail over and over and over again until you give up.

You cannot go out for a drink or meal with people and you are not invited, as there couldn’t possibly be anything people with money would have in common with someone with who is destitute.

People don’t want to see what is happening to you and how you are being denied health care because you have a mental health issue.  They don’t want to admit the fact that the government shut down 80% of mental health facilities, dumped people into the community knowing and watching them harm themselves and those around them.  Houses for Intellectually handicapped people are around but the majority of people needing mental health services don’t fall into that category.  The majority are abuse victims and mentally ill people who don’t get the professional care they are entitled to by law.

Legal and mental health experts are coming out publicly saying the majority of people in prison are mentally ill and they should be in mental health facilities.  Still nothing is done – discriminating against an entire sector of disabled people is illegal, people/society are suffering and dying, we know why and every one of the human rights, disabled rights and justice agencies in New Zealand allow it to happen.

I saw yet another story about more funding and services for mentally ill, drug addicts, alcoholics etc who end up in prison – while their victims and those that don’t become violent and/or criminals are left to suffer and kill themselves.  The system is set up so you have to be driven to psychosis addiction dysfunction suicide and worse in order to get any health care – they drag you down to the pits of hell, where there is often no recovery before they ALLOW you to have the health care and support they have decided you will get.

The government, including ACC and mental health follow no health or rehabilitation models – they experiment on people.  The same people they know have tedious low paid jobs for arrogant abusive bosses, or have had seriously dysfunctional and abusive childhoods, or experienced overwhelming trauma and not had sufficient support networks to heal.

I read in a news report that Treasury are blaming ACC for yet another budget blowout, for me that means the continued refusal of ACC to provide professional services or support so I can function – more harm, more psychological torture.  But don’t we all know $9million to Saudi Arabia for a farm, $6.5million on a home for the 14th ambassador to the USA, $80million on new bank notes, $27million on a flag referendum.  $millions on pensions to people who are over 65 and still working full time, taking jobs from younger people, $millions on refurbishments and relocations of ministries, $millions on new furniture and massive increases in consultant fees, executive salaries etc.  Not to mention the gross extravagance of continuing to pay ex-politicians and their partners for travel and extensive pensions.

Can NZ really afford to pay a judge $380,000 per annum with 10 weeks holiday, then when they retire continue to pay them $4,000 a week for the rest of their lives.  They have had the opportunity to earn so much money over their lives, why do they need such lavish payments from a country that obviously cannot afford it.

Last time I heard NZ was paying $125 per second in interest on their $billions of government debt.

How simple and yet why isn’t it discussed in mainstream media to reinstate taxes to the people who are being super rich at the expense of the poorest people.  In the 1980s we were told cutting taxes to the richest people and companies from 60% to 28% and 40% to 28% would benefit our country.  It has not, it is good for the 50% richest people – who are now mainly wealthy immigrants – while NZers become poorer and poorer.

This is not my culture, this has got to stop, this is cruelty and corruption – legalised.  The more me and others say how bad it is the more vicious the rich and powerful get.  My great aunt was like this, obsessed with money beyond all else, it drove her mad and made her very unhappy.

I’m tired and I agree with Shakespeare when he said the truth is the truth beyond the end of reakoning.

I know what people are entitled to under the law, I spell it out on my solutions page.  I noticed on the news tonight an iwi from Kaitai is starting a mens refuge, providing houses for people to live in and be able to buy.  Helping people, supporting them – things the government used to do being done with treaty money in the community.  Just what neo-liberals wanted – the rich to get much richer and the rest of us to provide the health care, homes and more that mentally injured and ill people required.

I live in a sick sick country and a sick sick world.

Was watching a programme on young people going to India somewhere and experiencing jobs and life there.  The show implied they should be grateful for the things they buy from these countries, but I saw as much dysfunction there as I see here.  They had family and community around them, in New Zealand we drive people with disabilities and who are poor out, we don’t care about them.  I lie, some we do, some we lavish more and more time money and services on.  We use them to promote things and brainwash all New Zealanders into thinking all disabled people get help they are entitled to – when of course they do not.  This is particularly clear with anything to do with mental health.

The biggest problem with health in this country is the power and control of drug companies, telling, lying and manipulating government, doctors and many health professionals with promises of CHEAPER solutions to health issues.  In regard to mental health there has mostly been just abuse and worsening mental health issues, worsening violence and suicide.  We all know this and those who have the power do nothing.

I find it interesting the abuse I’m receiving by putting what is happening in my life on the internet.

Only way I can make sense of the world and what is happening to me and so many other vulnerable good people is the bible.  So many of us feel it – that judgement day is coming where all those people who are not acting with morality kindness and compassion are going to be taken away.  Let the rest of us get on with creating the peaceful planet we all crave.  And those of us that fight for truth and justice are to fight until the end, so I will and suffer every day because of it.

Kia kaha to us all

Note to my supporters

I get a lot of abuse from mentally disturbed people on the internet and do not look at my comments pages.  If you wish to contact me please do so through twitter @jrmurphypoet or facebook /jrmurphypoetmusician.  these people are mostly stalkers and have been blocked from these two social media sites.

If this is happening to you make sure you keep the comments so the police can follow up.  Remember there are people out there who don’t want to hear what is happening to the most vulnerable in society.  They are the strong who attack the weak, its a sign of the uncivilized madness that takes over a society when the rich and powerful are too rich and powerful – throughout the history of man they start attacking the poor and powerless.

This is what happens to people with disabilities that others don’t understand, this is why 1000s of men women and children who are not getting the treatment care and rehabilitation they are entitled to under ACC, health, disability, human rights and bill of rights laws.  These are abuse victims and mentally ill who are most victimized in society and the ones who end up in the justice system or killing themselves.

The idea with human rights laws, in fact all laws, was to stop this happening – sadly those humans in power have proven they are incredibly stupid by creating a so-called civilized society that destroys the planet and causes violence and harm in society – all for money and power.

I am reminded of this quote about the inevitable revolution by JFK, sadly I don’t think we are wise enough, considering the corruption I have uncovered in ACC and mental health.

Kia kaha to us all

A walk to town – Carterton, Heart of the New Zealand Darklands

Things bad, little food to cope, no vehicle, television is just a reminder of the garden I don’t have, the safe stable home I don’t have, food I don’t have, partner I don’t have and normal life I don’t have, so can’t watch it and go brain dead.  So decided I have to write.


Managed to get up the courage to walk to the supermarket because car T loaned me, can’t get key to work and ‘the trusty steed’ got taken away by insurance company on Thursday.

It was partly Saffy stopping me (my old dog), hadn’t been able to walk anywhere since she died and didn’t quite know why.  As soon as I started to walk down the street I started crying about her not walking with me for first five minutes, got to the dairy and thought about stopping, getting bread and going home, but willed myself to keep moving, the supermarket is only 10 minutes walk further on – how bad could it be.  Felt like throwing up all the way, kept focusing on getting to there and sitting on the seat outside writing on the piece of paper I had bought with me – just in case I needed to write.

Got to supermarket and Ruth Carter coming out, a disabled woman who I have begged for help from many many times, all I ever get from her is that stupid smile people give who know things are bad but pretend they’re not.  There were people sitting on the seat she was going to talk to so I had to keep going into the shop.  It was market day today, I only had $7 to spend so might be able to get more than I needed.

I go into a sort of trance when I go to the supermarket now, tunnel vision, try and not look at anything but those things I am there for, if I do I start crying and want to die.  All those nice things and I am not allowed any of them, while I have to watch other people walking around.  Met someone I knew, nice woman with a family, had to pretend everything was fine, we asked about each other’s kids, did the usual pleasantries and I kept moving.  All I could do not to break down in front of her.

Picked up a tomato, capsicum and cucumber only $2.50.  Couldn’t get a lettuce, potatoes, kumara or any fruit, tried not to look at other things. Couldn’t get milk or sanitary pads, hopefully the ones I’ve got will last until Wednesday, when I get paid.

Havn’t had ham for months, needed to treat myself, so bought 100grms, was so ashamed I had to ask for so little and when she put to much in the bag had to say no I wanted less.  Fought back the tears, so humiliated, other people were waiting for things, tried not to look at them, felt like a leper.

Headed for $1 bread and butter, which are my staple diet at the moment, something that helps with my eating disorder comfort food (although I have discovered I am allergic to wheat and started having migraines because I’m eating too much of it and can’t afford wheat free bread).  When I realised I needed butter which was $3 I had to walk entire length of the supermarket to put capsicum back.

The tears were welling in my eyes, feeling so worthless that I had so little money and was having to do this.  You feel like the whole world knows what you’re doing, like there is a neon sign above your head saying poor loser.  Just as I got there two woman spoke to me, who I recognised but couldn’t remember where from.  One of them was the woman who crashed into my car before Xmas, she said hi and asked how I was, then told me who she was when I was looking puzzled.  Its weird with this disorder because you go through so many extremely traumatic experiences it wipes your memory easily, so I didn’t recognise her.  I just said oh its you, tried really hard not to burst into tears and fall sobbing on the floor, turned and walked away.

Tears started rolling down my face, put my sunglasses on so nobody would see, headed for the checkout as fast as I could, didn’t want to meet anybody else I knew, kept my head down and eyes straight ahead.  All I could think of was getting out of the shop and sitting outside on the seat to write what had happened, hoping they would be empty and nobody I knew would be there.

Got outside and wrote some of what had happened, couldn’t have walked home if I didn’t.  Didn’t stay very long as I was petrified she would come out and talk to me again, or someone else would.  How could I tell her everything that had happened with the car, insurance company, police, dog, ACC, poverty – and this on the first day I had to walk to town because I was such a loser.

Started home in tears, trying not to look around, focused on every step being a step closer to home and safety.  Got to the bus shelter and thought of sitting down and writing again so I could go on, but willed myself to keep walking, one step in front of the other, one step closer to home and safety.  One more step so I could have some lunch, as I didn’t have anything for breakfast – I’m wanting to save the eggs I have.

Saw all the cars going past, people with cars and lives, who despised me because of the neon sign above my head that said I was walking because I was a loser with no money – nobody likes losers with no money.  It was hot, had to walk slowly as I find if I get to hot and bothered it can start off a panic attack or extreme distress and rage.

Got to the dairy, went in and bought an icecream, had wanted one last night but couldn’t go out because couldn’t walk to shop, used $4 in my other account.  Wondered when the $150 from the credit on my Q Card would be returned, they had told me it would be 2 weeks ago when I had phoned to cancel it as they were taking fees and I wasn’t using it.

Thought about how I had told the dairy owner I was going to give up smoking months ago and now I had, but wished I had the money to buy some as I was feeling so bad.

Got home made up all the ham & tomato into five sandwiches, ate them all – actually more like inhaled them, you eat differently when stress levels are really bad, stuff it in your face as fast as you can – like it will be all gone if you don’t.  Will throw half of it up when I’ve finished here.  Doctor said yesterday that my croaky voice might be to do with the acid from bulimia or an allergy – told him I couldn’t afford wheat free bread, he didn’t say anything of course.

Sat in front of the TV to eat but like I said all the programmes reminded me of what I didn’t have and made me feel worse, only thing I could think to do in order to stop the psychological torture was write down what happened.

I’m really tired now, its 2.15pm, think I will go to sleep, havn’t been sleeping well, woke up early again.  At least I managed not to eat the icecream as well as sandwiches, I’ll have it when I wake up I suppose.  Then try and get the car I borrowed sorted, feeling really trapped without a car.

Oh yeah, had another nightmare last night that police were coming to get me, really bad one because I could feel someone actually touch me, went into an extreme panic thinking they were going to rape me.  Laid their frozen for several minutes before I could yell out WHO ARE YOU – just like the rape, amazing how your brain reacts.  Need to sleep, hopefully no more nightmares, wish Saffy was here to protect me 🙁  Hope one day I won’t cry every day.

Kia kaha to us all.

Wairarapa Criminal lawyer & doctors offensive ignorant & discriminate


So new Criminal lawyer last week refuses to meet with me prior to court to discuss my case in a less stressful environment.  I tell him its important and also I don’t want to attend court because to unwell at the moment, he says I have to, still refuses to meet with me.  I ask that he has my case heard first if he can, he said I’ll have to be there at 9am.

I arrive at court 9am, stressed to the max and really pissed off, don’t know what lawyer looks like, so stressing about that, I am anxious around people I don’t know.  It gets to 15 mins past nine, people are being called up, stress levels go even higher.  He finally turns up in a flap, doesn’t take me into the room with his name on the whiteboard, he sits me down in the main corridor of the court, which is full of people – busy weekend in Masterton.  Where he proceeds to tell me he has listened to the phone recordings and after he has thought about it, I should tell them I’m not fit to plea – WTF.  So I start giving him shit for even suggesting it, what an insult – might have been helpful to actually talk to me prior to the court appearance – would be pretty obvious I’m way more bloody intelligent than him!

Going to make a complaint to Law Society or Legal Services Agency – I’m sick of this shit, it is the law they must accommodate my disability.


Then I was thinking of that horror of a doctor and the email she wrote with the sarcastic shit about the EXTENSIVE psychiatric reports – WTF.  I have had 6 psychiatric reports in 14 years, only the first two of them were ever listened to – the first one which said I had a personality disorder and all the ACC care I had been receiving should be stopped after I had been receiving care for 2 years (done by Anne Walsh psychiatrist associated with attempted murder of her lovers wife in Dunedin – total fruit cake).  The second one was Alan Doris’ first report (snr NZ psychiatrist associated with Mason Jury) where I got the extensive professional rehabilitation plan in 2009, which ACC illegally removed without consulting him and have refused to reinstate or act on his other reports.  Two were done for the court last year, which just referred to my ability to plea, one done by Justin Barry-Walshe says I am intelligent, do not have a personality disorder and am not delusional – unlike most of the health and justice people I have to deal with.

She also accused me of threatening to commit suicide WHICH I HAVE NEVER EVER DONE, I say I wish I was dead and am getting suicidal thoughts – but I NEVER EVER SAY I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF.  Its called suicidal ideology and is very dangerous. This insane ignorance and bigotry towards people whose living environments are so inhuman that it causes them to become suicidal is extremely disturbed thinking.  Its a result of guilt that there are no services and lives/environment of poorest and most vulnerable people in this country is now so bad its driving people mad – while the doctor has it good with money, prestige and a job.


This is how it went with new doctor, not as aggressive – more ignorance and brainwashed thinking.

(NOTE: Wish local mayor had sorted out food bank stuff like he said.)

So ditched previous doctor and went to new one in Carterton, was really screwed up when there, always lose it going into doctor’s offices (baggage from some really bad experiences), was so traumatised could barely speak and couldn’t fill out forms, receptionist had to help me.  Got in there asked him to check out a couple of things I was really worried about, he said it was fine.  Was ticking, shaking, fingers in ears stuff and speaking very slowly, hard to get words out (FUCK I HATE IT WHEN THIS HAPPENS, FEEL LIKE A COMPLETE NUT).  Told him I was under huge stress with poverty and ACC denying me care but couldn’t go into mental health stuff with him to traumatising.  Oh yeah and another new doctor that was sitting in on consultation to learn the ropes – didn’t ask if he could, just told me.

Told him I was bulimic (not all bulimics are thin) and my weight has ballooned lately, probably fattest I’ve ever been which makes me feel like shit.  Can’t do much, freeze response bad and eating continuously most days which of course is the reason.  Because I’m fat he gave me a piece of paper about how to eat healthy and exercise, I just looked at him in disbelief said.  “I have an eating disorder and am really unwell there is no point in giving me this. I have little control over what I eat or what I do.”  He started to insist, I had to say no to him twice more.  Not sure what the other doctor made of it.

I am assuming this is part of the government plan to get people to lose weight – give them a piece of paper telling them what to do.  Apparently we’re all just stupid and don’t know how to eat healthy and exercise regularly.  Just because I have a stress disorder – thanks to the government – doesn’t mean I’m stupid.  GPs are so ignorant, all good with people who are not very unwell, but useless with people who are and people like me.

When I left his office, almost ran out, went to reception, lots of people in the waiting room and went to pay $38 – all my food money for the week – scary shit.  Could not bring myself to beg not to pay in front of everybody, even though I know this medical centre has a fund to cover poor people’s medical expenses.  Doctor knew I was broke, he still charged me $38.  I live in a sick ignorant community.

To anybody being persecuted, abused, degraded, discredited, ignored and screwed over by lawyers, ACC, health professionals and others, ITS NOT YOU – ITS THEM.

Kia kaha to us all.

Abuse of people with PTSD in New Zealand, kia kaha Christchurch

 A copy of the email I sent to Fairfax, radio NZ and all those other people on this list, particularly ACC.  How much longer will they censor what I say and ignore what I do and what I know.  How much longer will me and thousands of people with PTSD have to suffer and die????? 🙁


Kia kaha to us all

What I am fighting for and entitled to through ACC should legally be available to all people who suffer severe/overwhelming trauma – including those people in Christchurch.  Look at what we are supposed to be getting as professional health services, what is currently there doesn’t even follow health models and is therefore experimentation.  Counselling isn’t the solution to everything, its people’s daily stresses that are too much to bear on top of their trauma.


This is for your information, please help me, I have been begging you for years, please make what is happening to so many people with Traumatic Stress disorders stop – like the people of Christchurch and every traumatised abused child in New Zealand.  Please hear what I am saying and what I know.


/jrmurphypoetmusician  youtube JR Murphy poet and
Featherston is indeed where those on the violent fringes of society go to live. It has a high number of sex offenders living in the community in private rental housing.


From: Jayne Routhan <>
Sent: Wednesday, 17 February 2016 7:40 a.m.
To: Nikki Kaye MP;; Marama Fox; Andrew Little; Catherine Delahunty MP; Winston Peters; Annette King; Mojo Mathers MP; Metiria Turei MP;;; Jenny Kirby
Subject: Fw: ACC staff are lying & I am unable to comply with their demands because of my poor mental health


Can one of you please help me, this is a living nightmare and I am desperate to return to work – if I can’t work I don’t want to live.  If I can’t work I will never have anywhere safe and stable to live in my community, if I can’t work my community and family will never accept me, if I can’t work I will continue to be very unwell, have suicidal ideology, bulimia and ever-increasing dysfunctional aspects to my stress disorder.


God please help me AND all those other people with stress disorders, like those in Christchurch that are suffering like me.


Kia kaha to us all.




From: Jayne Routhan <>
Sent: Wednesday, 17 February 2016 7:23 a.m.
To: ACC Complaints
Subject: ACC staff are lying & I am unable to comply with their demands because of my poor mental health

I have discovered from my previous doctor (I am currently changing doctors) that ACC, local mental health services and her had a meeting to discuss my care, where ACC’s demands were advanced and those of myself, Dr Alan Doris, Jenny Kirby and my previous OT Glenda van der ven Long were completely ignored.


It was said that I am only to receive a mental health worker (yet one cannot be found) and time in Ashburn Hall – citing Dr Doris’ report as the reason for this decision.  This is not the opinion of Dr Doris or the people aforementioned, care in a facility was supposed to be part of my rehabilitation plan from 2009 not separate to it.


I am seriously ill and suffering huge emotional pain and strain every day, I try to keep up appearances so I am not further rejected by those few who care about me that I see – like my daughters & friend Sarah, plus people in the community – but it is every difficult and aggravates my disorder.


It is extremely distressing I have not been able to see Jenny Kirby due to poverty and my inhuman living situation and that ACC has done nothing to facilitate this.


What ACC and these other people are suggesting does not follow the Whare Tapa Wha model which I believe in, it does not follow the two ACC reviews that said my care was to be REINSTATED.  The overwhelming fear (that turns my behaviour phobic) and lack of trust in people (especially ACC and people I don’t know) is a barrier to me being able to access the essential services ACC are suggesting.


I am even more isolated now than at any time in the past thanks to the refusal of ACC to reinstate my care that accommodates impairments related to my disorder and my inhuman unsafe living environment.  Other things in my life, like my old dog dying and losing my vehicle due to actions of another driver (who was not insured) have significantly impacted on me, as they do with all people with my type of stress disorder.


ACC appear to think my demands to have my care reinstated and provided in the way me, Dr Doris, Jenny Kirby and Glenda all recommend is some sort of failure of me to comply with the law or recommended treatment/rehabilitation – it is not.  ACC have made it impossible to negotiate psycho-social relationships, communication impairments, phobias and serious trust issues after being raped and severely traumatised and after having my care illegally removed in 2009.  Along with providing appauling unprofessional unreliable inconsistent care for the past 14 years that has ensured  discrimination and harm by some in my community – due to not working, poverty and my dysfunctional behaviour.


There has been no accommodation or acknowledgement of the extreme damage ACC did in 2009 when they illegally withdrew all my care and refused to reinstate it for the past 7 years.  Care withdrawn without consultation with Dr Doris or the agreement of my Occupational Therapist, myself, mental health worker, doctor at the time and others in the community I was working with.


Years of pleading for this care to be reinstated and not being able to secure a lawyer to make this a reality have also damaged me – it has made me more and more desperate which is why my behaviour has deteriorated.  This was made even worse when Sarah Jones phoned me at home last year and assured me my care would be reinstated in the form it took in 2009, then refused to do this citing Dr Doris’ reassessment as the reason, when of course this was not the case.


You will see from my file from 2009 that during the successful implementation of my rehabilitation plan by my OT and others that I had asked to go away for six weeks to somewhere I would be safe and deal with the suicidal aspects of my disorder.  This was agreed with all my health providers (I do not know about the psychologist, she was a very strange woman who I had asked to be taken off my case prior to ACC illegally withdrawing everything as she was of no use).  I had attempted to do this myself at a previous time at a place called Tehara in Taupo but almost committed suicide so realised I could not undertake this journey alone without professional support.


Without the care I am asking for, that I had in 2009 it makes it impossible for me to get to the suggested residential care ACC and others are currently demanding.  As I have said repeatedly the type of care I received in 2009 is essential to my rehabilitation, it works with my psycho-social impairments in the community.


Things like opening mail, filling out forms (eg for applications for disability funding for artistic/work projects etc), re-establishing connections in my community and especially with my extended family.  I am currently estranged from my elderly mother and it hurts/worries/stresses me every day as she is not well and in my current state if she died I would not be able to attend her funeral.  This of course would cause huge friction with my family and my own children and further destroy those relationships that are essential to be happy, supported and healthy.


Can you please again review my ACC care and ensure my care is reinstated as required by law and recommended by me, Dr Doris, Jenny Kirby and Glenda.


I am unable to open mail from ACC complaints after years of your refusal to address these most serious issues, can you please communicate with me through Jenny Kirby and I will get you the details of my new doctor once I have seen him.


I look forward to you urgent reply as I am very unwell and violent suicidal thoughts are becoming debilitating and I can barely get out of bed or off the couch at the moment I am so traumatised (part of my heightened fight flight and FREEZE response).  Also the tourettes type aspects my disorder that have developed are significant and causing all sorts of serious issues in my community and with my ability to participate in legal and political processes without even more damage.


As I have told you before I am also concerned about not being able to deal with serious physical health issues like my increasingly worse incontinence and worry about throat cancer because of changes to my voice and continual clearing of my throat – my grandmother died of throat cancer and someone I know has had it recently and that is how doctors discovered it.  This is all because of my appauling mental health which ACC continue to not address – telling me I need a mental health worker then telling me there isn’t one available is extremely disturbed behaviour.  Of course without the support and guidance of an Occupational Therapist and other health professionals I can’t see how a mental health worker would be able to operate professionally.


I have a new lawer from the criminal case ACC are taking against me and will be meeting with him this week to discuss my case and how to deal with the issues I repeatedly make formal complaints about to ACC.


Kia kaha to us all.




Unprofessional corrupt behaviour of ACC, Wai mental health & Masterton Medical Dr


Professional treatment care and rehabilitation for Jayne Routhan – ACC sensitive claimant with compounding Complex PTSD as a result of sexual abuse and ongoing trauma through medical neglect and unsafe environmental conditions.




 I am writing this in response to the latest email from my doctor (now dismissed), who met with two of her Masterton Medical colleagues, ACC case manager Sarah Jones and Wairarapa mental health services representative Andrew Curtis-Cody to discuss my care and rehabilitation.


 These people have met and decided I am to receive a support worker (when none is available) and inpatient care at Ashburn Hall in Dunedin.  This meeting to decide on my rehabilitation does not follow professional health processes as it did not involve me, my psychiatrist or my counsellor.  My doctor did not advocate on my behalf and her email proves she does not understand my disability nor is she prepared to accommodate it as required.  They did not follow any professional health or rehabilitation models which makes this experimentation – experimenting on people is illegal under NZ Human Rights and international laws. 


 This rehabilitation plan they decided on also does not follow ACC social rehabilitation and other care requirements under the IPRCA and ACC Code of Claimants Rights.  It does not follow the Code of Claimants Rights that applies to health providers like doctors and mental health professionals.  It did not accommodate my cultural and religious beliefs as required by law (for example application of Whare Tapa Wha).


 This meeting to decide on my health care is also a violation of the two ACC reviews I have won to have my rehabilitation from 2009 reinstated.  This rehabilitation involved support in my community using a multi-disciplinary team of health professionals and community services, as well as a period of time in a mental health facility, as discussed and agreed with Dr Alan Doris.



People in New Zealand continually ask why so many suicides and why so many people with mental health issues are dysfunctional when there are so many services here……….  Pretty obvious from my statement above that what is there is unprofessional, corrupt and abusive, as I have repeatedly said.

Am preparing this for the local mayor who wants to find out what the hell is going on with ACC and others that I am in such a mess.  Finally I might have someone that can advance what I am saying – though trying not to get my hopes up.  Never trusted the doctor at Masterton Medical from when I first met her, I have heard of a new doctor in Carterton that is supposed to be very good, so will see if I can get in to him next week and change doctors.