6 November 2019
New Zealand Police
IPCA – independent haters of human sewage like me
It is with terror and self-harm that I am writing yet another complaint I know will be ignored, as every other complaint I have ever made has been and things have only got worse with regard to my treatment by Wairarapa police. I am so traumatised by what happened I desperately needed to talk to someone about my complaint so I phoned the number for Police HQ I got some other non-urgent number. They told me they were putting me through to a police complaints line, but they put me through to the main police line and I didn’t realise.
I phoned them about 4pm and would like that recorded interview accessed and listened to. Except for the bit at the end when I found out it wasn’t a dedicated line for police complaints and I had been on the main line taking up time, also that the person wasn’t going to send the complaint she had written to IPCA as well as local police – not that I trust either after the years of psychological and physical abuse I have been subjected to for my justified legal protests about abusive mental health services and others.
Last time I complained I am sure the person sent it to IPCA as well, I was expecting that to happen, I got upset with the woman on the phone, because she said it wasn’t procedure.
I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to do this – you are never ever going to do anything – making these complaints is worse than what they are doing to me – because you never stop it, no matter how many complaints I make you never ever stop them.
I’m not sure how this is going to turn out so I apologise in advance if it is all over the place, has spelling and grammatical errors, I won’t be able to go through and check it when I am finished I will be so distressed.
A warrant was issued for my arrest Friday 1 November after me breaking my bail conditions accidently regarding seeing ????? in front of my parked car putting money in the meter and I lost it and starting singing at him.
I was told by email, although I am sure a police car came down my street to make sure I was at my home. The officer didn’t come in but the email I received from Jennifer Hansen said there was a car available to pick me from Carterton and take me to Masterton. I refused as I was looking after my daughter’s dog for the week and as police had already said they would oppose my bail I couldn’t go in as there was nobody else to care for the dog. I said I would come in Monday morning. Hansen told me to be there early in the morning. The email is available if you want proof.
On Saturday I wrote a five page letter about what happened, long hand as I have no way of printing out typed documents at the moment. It was to the Presiding Judge and a copy for duty lawyer as I knew my mental health was really bad and ability to communicate was more impaired than it had ever been. This is what I call ‘managing impairments related to my disability’, which is how I was taught to approach things when I studied disability at Massey a few years ago.
As I had been incarcerated the entire day previously and ended up flipping out at the judge because of it, I didn’t hurry to get to the police station to hand myself in. I dropped off the letters, was assured the judge and lawyer would get them then returned to my car, parked along the street back of Masterton police station. I intended to get some chalk from the boot and go chalking some poetry on the street outside court and police station. It helps me deal with the disempowered way I am treated.
When I was coming back past the back of the police station two police officers followed me and arrested me, took me back to the station and processed me. But even from when I was walking in I started not being able to speak/communicate properly, I was obviously very unwell and very distressed by what was happening. When I was put into the cell I sat on the bed for about 5 mins but I was still freaking out really badly and started to rock backwards and forwards. Then all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball in the corner of the cell on the floor so I did.
Foetal position with my hands over my face – WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME DO THIS – WHY DO YOU MAKE ME MAKE COMPLAINTS AND THEN DO NOTHING AND THINGS ONLY GET WORSE. I don’t want to remember what happened, it makes me want to kill myself I feel so despairing – all this just because I want my ACC reinstated after winning two reviews nine years ago.
Any officer that came near me I couldn’t respond to, I just cowered in the corner even more. I was there for hours. Then two officers came in and started to ask me questions, I was frozen. A male officer, who I didn’t see because my eyes were closed & my hands over my face asked me if I was awake, I couldn’t respond, he touched me and I flinched. He then said something about DHB phone call and I knew I couldn’t cope emotionally about what he was about to say so I put my fingers in my ears as strongly as I could. Putting my fingers in my ears is a common automatic response for me when I am psychologically overwhelmed.
I still couldn’t calm myself so I started involuntarily banging my head against the wall where I was sitting, which helped, I kept doing this for a long time. I peaked out from my position & couldn’t see anybody in the room so I stopped and relaxed a little. I couldn’t cry which was a really weird feeling as I was very distressed. I was numb.
I never responded to any officers the entire time I was there. I did eventually get up off the floor and walked around a bit but if I heard the buzzer of the door I immediately walked into the corner with my head away from the door and put my hands over my face. I was in the cells a long time police had other customers, men who came and went. I looked out of my cell and they waved out to me but I couldn’t speak – this is not like me I am usually ok at verbalising and last time I was in there all day I was singing and self-harming for most of it. I hit myself repeatedly and do other things to self-harm, I don’t cut myself – too scared. Anything to make the pain I feel at what happening to me not be so overwhelming.
I finally got out of the cell and two older officers that have terrorised and insulted me were there – Cunningham and Basher. I was cowering from them, I felt safer with the man in black clothes attending to me. I was moved to the court cell, which I am afraid of after a really bad experience there last year coming over in a transport vehicle having been arrested in Wellington when protesting at Human Rights Commission. I was so cold, the vehicle was so cold and the cell was so cold and I was left there for so long. Going back in there triggers me further. I had managed to be able to communicate a little more and starting singing. I was there for ages too, I saw the duty lawyer who refused to read the letter and started asking me questions. I started answering them but quickly became angry and upset and ended up screaming at her so was removed. This is similar to what happened when they kept me in the cells all day the last time. I was trying to manage my disorder so I didn’t scream at anybody, that is why I wrote the letter but she wouldn’t read it.
I finally saw the judge, almost last person for the day, I had sat in the cell for hours listening to all the names being called, waiting for my name. For years the court had been accommodating my disorder and knowing how stressed and unwell I get put me up as early as possible so I could leave and go home.
The judge had my letter all day, she already knew what she was going to decide. I did start to cry when I finally got in front of her and represented myself reasonably successfully as I didn’t have to say much more than the letter. Judge Morris knows my case well and knows all I want is to leave and go home. It only took 10-15 mins to see her. Police did oppose bail, which she ignored thank God. I did start crying in the court and was distressed when the Police lawyer prosecuting me brought over tissues – why do people who are hurting you for a job want to be nice to you, it really screws with my head when police and others do that.
When I finally got my bail forms to sign the security guard acted strangely and told the registrar lady I had been in the cells since this morning when I dropped off the letter for the judge. They looked at each other ‘knowingly’, but didn’t say anything to me about that not being OK, it was more a feeling I got over the days following. I didn’t tell the security guard, who I get on with and feel safe around, about how distressed I was in the cells because he doesn’t like it when I’m in that bad a state (in a caring way). He has seen me in that sort of mess (state of unwellness/trauma/stressed) before outside/inside court a couple of times.
It is deeply humiliating when I’m that terrified and traumatised I act out like that – but I try my best to think of it as part of my disability and not beat myself up even more about it. However I do often have a serious suicidal episode some time later, anything from a few days to two weeks later. As I get no services, am terrified of mental health almost as much as police and have nobody to talk to who is capable of supporting me, I go through those horrendous things alone at home. Complex PTSD has a 60% mortality rate because of suicide and I know it is a life and death situation for me every time I go through. I still don’t know how I make it and I do know it traumatises me more because it is like experiencing your best friend trying to kill you and put you out of your misery. You so desperately want to die because you can’t get help or justice you know you need – and from what you read, you are entitled to.
Police know what happens, they know how suicidal I am, they know what distresses me the most, they have become very good at triggering and psychologically manipulating/terrorising me. Keeping me in the cells all day is something they know causes me to flip out, which of course makes me look bad and them justified in their actions – WHICH THEY ARE NOT!
I have always maintained Wairarapa police are purposely inciting me to suicide so I don’t protest about the illegal unjust things happening to me (and other people disabled by Complex PTSD) at the hands of ACC, police and other very powerful cruel corrupt immoral people. I know from my own past experience and what other Wairarapa people have told me police here are really mean to suicidal people, which I am sure contributes significantly to Wairarapa having highest rate of suicide in New Zealand & highest rate of self-harm in the OECD.
Also the complaints from ????? about violating my bail conditions were full of lies about what happened. Police said I approached him, which I definitely did not. Both of us were surprised when I looked up and he was right in front of my car. Note: there are angle parks with one central metre for about 10 of them. I only opened my car door and stood there singing with one arm on car roof and one on the door, for less than 30 seconds.
I emailed Jennifer Hansen the next day asking for the CCTV footage because I was thinking about the security guard comment to the court registrar. It can’t have been right that I was kept there all day, especially in the extremely traumatised state I was in. Felt if a doctor or psychiatrist had seen the situation he would not have allowed police to interrogate me further about other charges. People extremely traumatised who have Complex PTSD have to be in a less distressed state to be able to even answer questions and not to be traumatised further.
I DON’T WANT TO WRITE THIS, WHY DO YOU MAKE ME DO THIS ALL THE TIME AND NEVER HELP ME, NEVER DO ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME, NEVER MAKE IT STOP. Those violent assaults you ignored, those two officers who lied in court, the one who threatened me with seeing how bad police could be if I kept protesting – you never did anything. The assault with handcuffs that has left me permanently damaged you never even asked her to apologise, which is why I wear my wrist brace whenever I protest or have to see police for anything.
When they were thoroughly searching me before they put me in the cell on Monday the two woman asked me to take it off, at which I flinched and backed into the corner of the fingerprint room – they knew why. I did take it off and show it to them. They even said they knew I didn’t like being touched – which I don’t – few, if any, persecuted abuse victims with Complex PTSD do.
I emailed Jennifer Hansen the next day – did I say that above? Asked for the footage, complained about being kept in the cells all day in the state I was. I also asked about what the two officers who came into the cell actually said because I couldn’t hear them with my fingers in my ears as tightly as they were & banging my head against the wall. It was two more complaints, one of them was a blatant lie by one woman saying I had threatened to get people to come and hurt her – which is a blatant lie. It is a fundamental principle of mine that God or Karma is the one to dish out punishment – NOT ME. I would not threaten it or for anybody else to do it EVER. I do hope the bad things happening to me and other terrorised impoverished abuse victims in New Zealand happen to these people. Because I know what they do is going to hurt an innocent poor person, but that appears acceptable to our government at the moment, no matter what Jacinda Ardern says publicly.
Now police have got people telling lies or they are on their behalf????? It is very distressing, nobody believes anything I say due to bigotry, hatred, false statements by health ‘professionals’ & being discredited by public mental health services, police etc. This is the experience of majority of mentally injured abuse victims and certain mentally ill people in Wairarapa that I have met – usually protesting in the street.
Jennifer Hansen said I will be charged with the further two charges when I go to court on 18 November. I did refute the allegations about threatening harm vehemently by email.
It might be relevant to have the letter I gave to the judge on Monday morning but it is handwritten and I have reached then end of my ability to cope and need to get this complaint sent. I can’t stop crying…………………… Please make them stop, please I am begging you, as I have begged you before, but you never did anything. Wellington police were never as bad as Wairarapa have been……………………….. I am exhausted
(It has been very difficult sharing this with everybody, because I am terrified someone will call the police ‘concerned for my welfare’ and they will just hurt me more.)
Civil Society Activist
PS I hope the Red Cross and Wairarapa DHB are happy with the cruel and unjust treatment I received from police because of their complaints. I’m sure they’d be happy if I killed myself too – just like my brother. ANOMIE in action.