I am going to try and come in, there is a letter here I can’t open and even though your letter of 21 August 2019 has been extremely distressing and I am completely terrified I will come in today. It is 4.30am, I havn’t been able to sleep all night I am so terrified of going into your office.
I phoned all those people you said, all of them refused to accept the impairments related to my disability about being too terrified to go to a doctor after four years ago being told if I got upset I would never be able to see a doctor ever again. I only cry, rock and tick – I never did anything, I never hurt anybody, I don’t understand why the doctor and WINZ are doing this. You know ACC are required by law to reinstate my care, you have the forms about the TWO ACC REVIEWS I WON nine years ago. I don’t understand why you are doing this to me – I didn’t do anything to you.
Being forced to rot on welfare is not support, it is a cruel and degrading nightmare of hell I have been subjected to for over a decade – because ACC refuse to reinstate my care as a Victim of sexual abuse. Jacinda Ardern and the Labour party keep saying on the news that they care about sexual abuse, why are they doing this to me, why are you doing this to me.
You never responded to the previous emails I sent you, why not? You even said in your letter you knew that I couldn’t correspond by letter and preferred email due to my communication impairments. Why do you send a letter??? I don’t understand.
You have done exactly what the doctor did when I didn’t do ANYTHING TO THREATEN YOU OR ANYBODY ELSE IN ANY WAY. As I have said before people have told me they are not distressed by me being distressed, they find it comforting that someone else is expressing how they truly feel.
You didn’t tell me what I said that was abusive.
You do not treat me with respect or accommodate my disability, you treated me like a child and abused me for ticking, shaking, crying and self-harming to cope with how humiliating and degrading being forced to live off WINZ is after this many years. Please explain how does an extremely unwell terrorised disabled mentally injured sexual abuse and criminal neglect victim act in situations that make her want to kill herself. If ACC reinstated my care like they are supposed to by law, then I would be able to heal and return to work.
Public mental health services are not only abusive to people with Complex PTSD, they also do not accommodate communication impairments and phobias I have developed after this many years being denied professional health care and rotting terrified in poverty in the community with the highest rate of suicide and self-harm in New Zealand. It is like that because of the appalling behaviour of people just like you Michele, you treat me like I am human sewage – Tina never did – but you took her away and made her life difficult for trying to get my ACC care reinstated.
You tell me there are standards of behaviour – but I have a stress disorder, being overwhelmed and terrified of having to beg to WINZ to survive because ACC are illegally refusing to reinstate my care and mental health services have refused me all services for many years and continue to do so because I am so phobic of doctors. I tried to ask someone who is an advocate recently but she expected me to (I had to remove a couple of sentences for my safety). I don’t understand?
You tell me to seek support for my extremely serious mental health issues (60% mortality rate for people with Complex PTSD), but I have done that many many times only to be either refused or the services are so bad they do their best to drive you to suicide with their unprofessional criminally negligent behaviour. THAT IS WHY WAIRARAPA IS NO 1 IN NZ FOR SUICIDE AND SELF-HARM. That is why all people who are not junkies/addicts/alcoholics and gamblers get no services.
I can’t manage my life, I live in continual fear of sexual and physical violence EVERY DAY after threats from a Sth African police officer. I live in continual terror of having to leave where I am living and being homeless and destitute having to give away all my things – so I have absolutely nothing. I DON’T WANT TO BE IN THIS SITUATION I DON’T WANT TO HAVE NOTHING, I DON’T WANT TO DIE, I DON’T WANT TO BE RAPED AGAIN, I DON’T WANT A MENTALLY ILL FLATMATE TO STEAL FROM ME ANY MORE, I DONT’ WANT TO HAVE TO LIVE WITH DANGEROUS PEOPLE – I DON’T WANT TO HAVE NO FOOD AT THE END OF EVERY WEEK. Safety. shelter and food insecurity are inhuman in a society where most people have safety, homes and food and know they will in the future – I don’t. I was too terrified to go to the local food bank after the past two times they were incredibly degrading and insulting – demanding I pick up the food I ordered and how dare I suggest they deliver it.
I didn’t suggest they deliver it at all, I just told them the truth about being so unwell and degraded by having to beg for food – rather than have the health care I was supposed to so I could return to work – that I couldn’t make myself do it. I know how much those people gossip about the losers, bludgers and junkies they have to give food to in Carterton.
Then they phoned me every day for three days demanding I come and pick up the food parcel I said I needed – even though I told them on two answerphone messages and in an email I was unable to collect it. It was extremely distressing and made things much worse – just like you know your letter made it much more difficult and terrifying to come into WINZ. I am sure you would know this – that is why you did it.
I can’t go to the doctor because I have no mental health services, I can’t get mental health services until I go to the doctor??? I don’t understand??? And I am being forced to see Dr Hunefelt who is a terrible doctor, let me down and did not help me at all, she has depression and can’t cope whatsoever with any sadness or trauma – that is why she rejects me, is that why you reject me too Michele? I wrote a new song on the weekend, based on Janis Joplin’s Piece of My Heart. It is dedicated to all the women with power over me and who know my situation that terrorise and harm me who don’t protect me from what the government are doing to the most vulnerable poorest victimised sector of society – abused impoverished women. You would be shocked at the numbers of women I have begged for help from who either harm me, like you do or just ignore what is going on, even though it is illegal and a crime.
Please find me a boarder, please I am begging you, but please make sure they are going to pay their half, do their half of the chores around the house, don’t bring dangerous people to my house, don’t rip me off, don’t steal from me, don’t take advantage of my impairments (I can’t tell people when they are doing something to rip me off or hurt me – I am so terrified I can’t speak). It is something to do with being raped in my bed and the continuous line of flatmates (other than my own children) I have been subjected to over the years who have ALL hurt me further (except for one of them who was OK and my disabled friend Richard, but he is dead now – nobody told me he had died and I couldn’t afford to go to the funeral anyway – I can’t afford to go to any funerals, my mother abused me for that a few weeks ago).
I will come in today – I will try not to tick, or shake, or be terrified, or self-harm, I will try not to cry I know how much you hate it and hate me for doing it. I know you want me to stuff down my terror and how degraded I feel. It will take me all my concentration to do it so I don’t know if I will be able to speak. I was going to bring someone I know to support me but he abused me on the weekend for believing in God and using Jesus and the bible to give me hope and keep me alive – hope it is end of days and this nightmare will be all over soon, for all the good poor people of our cruel corrupted illegal neo-liberal societies.
According to him I should take medication because of my insane belief in something spiritual. This from a man who, without medication, suffers dangerous psychosis and paranoia. (I can’t put the following paragraph on social media).
I am so scared coming in today, I know how much you HATE and DESPISE me for being so unwell and being terrified of degrading welfare and abusive health services for poor people with mental health issues in Wairarapa. When I think of it become extremely nauseous and have to be sick, when I think of it I become terrified of you, of WINZ of that cruel hate filled elitist letter you wrote to threaten me. I don’t understand why I’m not allowed to have my ACC care???? I won two reviews nine years ago, then I could get professional treatment care rehabilitation and a home to live in – which is what the law says. I wouldn’t have to come into WINZ, I could earn my own money and I would never ever have to see you EVER AGAIN and you would never ever have to see me ever again either – which I know we would both be extremely happy about.
WINZ isn’t help when the government are the ones denying the health care etc you are entitled to under law – WINZ is a degrading nightmare of psychological torture and abuse. I don’t know any person, except rich old people, who are forced to rely on WINZ to survive that like going there. They all hate it, they all do everything they can to avoid begging for help (and mostly being rejected) from WINZ because of the pleasure many of your staff – especially women – get out of having power over people they consider inferior to themselves.
I am terrified of coming in today after what happened last time and the terrifying letter you sent demanding I don’t upset you for terrorising me? I don’t understand, I really don’t, I think I do but then things become extremely bizarre and I’m told I’m insane for protesting about not getting my ACC care back after winning two reviews nine years ago. Why would they do that to an intelligent victim of sexual abuse like me – I don’t understand at all – not when Jacinda Ardern and the Labour party are going on and on and on about the sexual assault of one (several) of their members. They’re having enquiries and giving every impression the government cares about victims of sexual violence – when it is quite obvious from your letter and the way everybody is pretending ACC don’t owe me that care that they don’t care about sexual abuse victims at all????? I don’t understand???
Why are you doing this to me Michele, why do you hate me, why are you persecuting and terrorising me for being real and truthful about how bad living in this country after 35 years of austerity against poor people that gets worse and worse every day – because landlords keep putting up rents so we can’t live????? I don’t understand, I have never hurt you, are you humiliated perhaps, feel guilty perhaps??? I dont’ understand, my girls turned out great, they both now own their own homes – I did my best, despite how abusive ACC, MH and CYFS were to protect them from the world and my dysfunction – I still do.
I am so scared, you are going to hurt me again, you always hurt me, you hurt everybody who goes to WINZ. You all pretend you care about people, but you don’t, you hate us, that is how you make me feel every time I go. Tina Hemi was the only person who ever made me feel someone like me should get help, someone who doesn’t steal, doesn’t lie, is a victim of crime, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t drink alcohol, doesn’t gamble. What I don’t understand is why people in churches only want to exploit, humiliate and use me to support people who have everything they could ever need. Or why they demand I help other people when I have nothing, no money and nothing left to give emotionally. I learnt a long time ago you don’t help other people unless you truly believe they would help you – because all that happens is they suck you dry of everything and you want to die.
I wish with all my heart I didn’t have to go and beg you for help today, there are so many artistic things and ideas I have to support myself but of course no services and no money to do them.
I’m coming in today – I really think I am going to be too terrified to speak and after your threats I will do my absolutely best not to move or cry. I will bring a note I write now, before I get there, because I don’t know if I will be able to function with my small motor skills in order to sign the form, or write more notes properly.
Have I said anything in this letter that violates any of the rules you demanded in your letter of 21 August 2019. I am doing my best to manage my disability, I am sorry it makes you feel so bad and so full of hatred and bigotry towards me. I don’t understand it either, I don’t understand any of this, I only understand what I know to be true and just. I only understand what the law says you must do, I only understand what the United Nations, our culture and constitution say you must do, I only understand from the perspective of a middle class person who always worked, now thrown on the scrap heap and not allowed to – because I’m not allowed the health care I am entitled to and knowing how abusive, cruel and incompetent health services are. I don’t understand what happened and how our country got to this point with nobody doing anything to stop it, I don’t understand why this is happening to me, all I want is what the law says, I don’t want to be anywhere near you as much as you don’t want to be anywhere near me Michele.
Its 5.47am I had better get dressed and go – I ended up with more petrol in my car than normal because the $15 limit didn’t work last time I got petrol. The woman was on the phone inside and didn’t see me waiting, then stuffed it up. When I realised I had gone over the $15 limit I started to panic, I went inside and started crying, saying I didn’t have $26.22, I was shaking and terrified – if you can’t pay for petrol they get the police to come and arrest you for stealing. I don’t steal, I don’t lie, I have become so terrorised by poverty I live in a constant state of extreme fear. If I didn’t have the number of things ACC, MOJ, police, MOH, DHB, HRC, HDC, Ombudsman, currently government MPs, executive (that is you) and judiciary are making sure I have in my life so I can’t cope with ANYTHING – then I would be OK – I would be able to return to work – I wouldn’t have absolutely no hope for the future and I wouldn’t be living in terror.
I don’t THREATEN VIOLENCE towards myself, that is what I am expected to do without professional health care and the necessities of life for a human being in New Zealand. It would be extremely helpful and less stress for me if I had somewhere stable to stay that I couldn’t be kicked out of and I could have a flatmate so I didn’t have to live on my own. No decent man wants a destitute worthless suicidal piece of human garbage like me, so there is no chance I am going to meet someone that has a house. The only men in the darklands are rapists and abusers – I don’t want to live with anybody like that as almost a million women every year are. I don’t want to live with sexual deviants or men who watch violent movies/TV/games and think they’re great. I don’t want to live with men who are intellectually handicapped and perverts.
I started this email around 3am, I have to go in today or I feel like you are going to stop my benefit and I don’t know why. I will try not to shake and tick or move at all, I will really really try, I will try and look normal so you feel better about what you are doing to me and other women with mental health issues as a result of abuse and criminal negligence by authorities. I will try not to shake and be so terrified of you, I will put on Jesus cloak of protection, he will help me through this, he knows how scared I am, he knows what I am up against in this cruel degrading world. He knows how I feel, he knows why I want to die having to beg for years for help I entitled to by law, he knows how bad things are for me, he knows all things, he sees your letter and the cruelty behind it.
God please help me now, please God if I don’t get WINZ services I will be homeless, they will take almost everything I own and I won’t have anything to do at all. If I don’t sign this form that makes me feel sooooooooo bad, if I don’t beg for enough money to survive another week – God please protect and guide me and WINZ staff so I am not humiliated for too long in that horrible evil building, that horrible evil place where the government throw their victims of crime who don’t get over it in the allotted amount of time (which is perfect for rich affluent women and those with supportive families).
God please, I know I don’t believe in you enough, I know I should believe everything will work out, but after 17 years of things only ever getting worse I know you have done your best and it must be end of days. It must be when good people who care about the poor and their fellow man are persecuted for asking for what they and others are entitled to by law. God please let me die, please just let me die, P and M are better off without me, I can’t be a burden on them or they will end up where I am. My brother said its best if I kill myself and so did my mother, I totally agree God, please take me, please give me cancer or something, please I am begging you I would much rather be dead than live in this nightmare of fear and hopelessness for human sewage like me. Please God, please take me where I won’t hurt any more, where I won’t be made to feel bad every day, where I won’t be degraded to despised to terrorised for telling the truth and asking for what I am entitled to by law. Please God take me where everybody tells the truth and everybody sticks to the rules. Please God please